shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
