I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
