Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
