I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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