You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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