My hand turned me down
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
