I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
