Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just had sex bonerless
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
