I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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