I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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