apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
