ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
