Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
