My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
