you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
