im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
