wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
