She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We were destined to go to rehab together
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
