U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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