I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
