Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
