I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
