there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
