So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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