I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
