This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ladies don't puke and tell
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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