I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
