It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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