Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
