dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
