Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
