My room smells like vodka and shame
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
