We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
