I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
