I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
