I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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