It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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