Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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