walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
