i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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