look no pants
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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