tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
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that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
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The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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