i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
