It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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