I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
