i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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