Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
