and you said cock pushups were impossible
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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