No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
