You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
