woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
