oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
