My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
