Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
