The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
