i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
