OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
