i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
