Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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