Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
