Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
BRING THE BAGELS
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
